Barkology, Episode Two

It's my turn. I know it's Thursday, December 19, 2019, but, if it's okay with y'all, I, Sir Bentley Barksalot, Esq., will be driving today's episode. I know everyone knows it's Christmastime. It's my first one here in my permanent dwelling and while I enjoy the spirit in the air and the cookie crumbs on the floor, there are a lot of issues I end up having to deal with. The folks who some refer to as my masters, (a designation that is up for debate), well, they are acting rather odd during this so-called most wonderful time of the year. They really like to wear red. I know. I am a dog and supposedly can't see red. Believe me, if you were around this joint during this time of year, you would see red, in more ways than one. At any rate, they put on these fancy clothes which are obviously worth a whole lot because they don't want me to even think about thinking about jumping up on them when they are wearing them. One day he caught me nuzzling one of the tops of those black boots. It was fuzzy and white. Well, get out of town, I thought I had committed a grave crime based on the conniption he threw. That's not the worst of it. Every time they suit up, as they call it, guess what happens to me? They put me into that infernal sleeper quarters contraption, the one they call a kennel, but, I have some other names for it, but, I won't use them because some puppies might be reading my story.

The lady of the house fixed the drapes on the sliding glass door so I can see outside during my times of imprisonment. I appreciate her concern, but, I wish she would have informed Shadow, the next-door cat, that he was not welcome to come over and march forth and back just to torment me. Talk about frustrating! He marches around like a military cat with his back all arched and that huge fluffy tail stuck straight up in the air. Yeah. You remember him. Right? He is the same one that likes to taunt me because he is free to roam wherever he chooses but makes fun of me having a leash around my neck. Same cat. Here's one for Shadow I picked up from the man of the house, "One of these days Alice, one of these days, bang zoom to the moon!" While they are off doing their thing in their red suits, I am left to get in touch with my inner self. Here's what I have learned, at one year old, there's not a lot of there .... there. I do a lot of sleeping and at times I wake myself from my own snoring. I suppose I picked that up from the man of the house, who, by the way, almost always denies he was sleeping. What a joke. There he is. All reared back in his recliner. The sound he makes is louder than the little chainsaw used to cut branches. But, I wouldn't trade this life for any other, especially since it is the only one I know anything about.

I do love it here and yes, I do love them. Dearly. Even though, I wish the lady of the house would slow down on the threats to find me a new home. She does that when I come into the kitchen with something stuck in my mouth off the tree they set up. In the house. They did. In the house. I'm telling the straight truth here. Where did they put it? The area previously designated for yours truly. Are you getting the picture? But, oh no! I'm not supposed to go near that tree. It's become totally off-limits. The other evening they opened up the house for families to come over and have their photos made. There they were. All dressed up in their red suits. People were fawning over them. Me? They let me come in long enough to say hello to the little ones and then back to the metal box I went. I could hear all the giggling and laughing. I typically endure it in silence, but, I decided it was time for me to exercise my right to bear barking, so, I let them have it, and even threw in some whining to accent my song. It actually worked. They came and fetched me. Once or twice. However, that too ran its course and the fellow they call the jolly ole elf, he came to the door and loudly said in the most unjolly voice ever, HUSH! He did. I figured I had better do just that and it's time for me to do the same here. Thanks for hearing me out. Thanks for your support. I'm not sure about the saying that all dogs go to heaven, but, I could sure use everyone's prayers as I try to deal with these people. Amen. .....More later.